How I Rate: Above Socks with Cracks in Them and Below Barbies

So, my daughter has show-and-tell every Friday. I’m sorry, WUT? Show-and-tell should be a privilege, not homework. Which brings me to Kindergarten Homework–. Dude, srsly. Isn’t that just punishment for parents?

Your daughter isn’t very good about turning in her homework.

“Oh, really? That’s funny. She also hates being chained-up outside.”

Basically, any Kindergartner can flunk Kindergarten because their parent can’t remember to throw an A thing or a K thing or a V thing (because OH NO, we can’t go through the alphabet the way it actually goes, THAT would be too easy for the child GOD forbid) into their backpack. So, she gets a zero for not having anything for show-and-tell because I couldn’t remember to put it in her bag because I was too freaking busy KEEPING HER ALIVE and such.

I just remembered that tomorrow is Friday (the first Friday back from spring break). I walked into daughter’s room and said, “You want to take this for show-and-tell?” She said, “A train? Sure.” I said, “Not just any train. It’s the J train. The one I rode home when I lived in New York City.” She starts whining and writhing around on the bed (two things I HATE almost as much as listening to people chew with their mouths open, and eggplant). “I’LL NEVER REMEMBER ALL THAT!” she yells.

I walk over to her toy cubbies and say, “How is it you can remember where every toy in Target is located, but you can’t remember your homework?” I am a mother, after all.  “You could take me. My name starts with a J.”

She looks at me like Woman, please and says, “I’ll just take Justin Bieber. Put some clothes on him.”

Sure. Fine. Whatever.

Welcome to Pleasantville

My daughter’s school is so ridiculous! Every day, they send home something from school that I have to pay for. I am over it! Scholastic book sale, classroom party, teacher having a baby, student teacher leaving, student teacher takes over as long-term sub/needs a gift, Valentine’s, Read-Across-America, book drive, after-school art program (which I was all for), spirit ribbons, scratch and sniff book marks, teacher back from maternity leave.

“Mrs. Jones likes TJMaxx, Target, Olive Garden, the Town Center, pedicures, movies, blah blah blah.” I don’t give a shit. Ask me what I like!

Now it’s the Mother/Daughter dance. “Come to the school at 3 p.m. for a fitting for neon pink tee shirts (don’t forget your Sharpie to sign each other’s shirts), neon pink capri sweatpants (In what world are these appropriate?), headbands, socks….”

Um…3 p.m.? Does no one in this town work? Guess not. Moms walking to the school with their kids’ Razor scooters folded under their arms so they can scoot all the way home while mom runs behind them with their three dogs. Jaysus.

I’m going to walk to pick up my daughter with three beers and a Razor for her to carry home. Not a scooter. An actual razor blade. Uncovered. And very sharp.